20 Things I’ve Learned After 7 years of Being a Professional Matchmaker

2016 marks my 7th year as a professional matchmaker. Thanks to the addition of an incredible team added in 2013, my agency has dramatically increased the number of clients we serve and our client geographic footprint continues to expand, as well (last year we coached and matched people in the United Kingdom, Turkey, India, and the United States).

Since 2009, my firm has served over 1,000 coaching and matchmaking clients. For our matchmaking clients, we directly organized thousands of dates in 2013, alone. Some of those dates went incredibly well (and led to committed relationships), some of those led to platonic friendships, some of them there was no “chemistry,” and some completely blew-up with both parties hating each other.  All in all, I took notes on everything.

Over the years, I have gained an incredible amount of insight on how commitment-minded singles date and interact in the early stages of a romantic relationship. Here are 20 of the most interesting things I’ve learned:

 

1) Everyone should be in therapy

Therapist-Couch

I’m not kidding. 1 out of every 5 people in the United States have been negatively affected by someone else’s pathology. This means you have had a relationship with or are currently a sociopath, psychopath, or have a disorder associated with ‘no conscience’. Serious business. You may be out of the relationship, but the relationship may not be out of your mind. The clients I have who are actively engaged with therapists are typically the ones who gain the most from their dating experience.

 

2) Physical attraction is everything

a boyfriend courts his girlfriend

This post says it all. Even though many hate or are hesitant to admit it, the decision for my clients to move to a second date was 99.9% weighted on whether they were physically attracted to the other person.

 

3) You can’t authentically date without first being vulnerable

vulnerable-hero-text

So very hard for nearly all of my clients, but so very necessary. [inlinetweet prefix=”” tweeter=”” suffix=””]Just like you can’t fill a closed bag, you simply can’t expect love to materialize without first opening your heart to the possibly of it.[/inlinetweet]

 

4) There is power in dating multiple people at once

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I wrote a full chapter about this in my book. You are empowered when you can assess “apples to apples.” The more people you can see at once, allows for better analysis of each.

 

5) The worst topic to talk about on a first date is politics

Hillary-Christie

I had a client this year tell me he went from the best to worst date in his life (in the matter of an hour), simply because of the stance his date took on a political position. Can people who have differing politics be in a relationship in the first place? Absolutely. That said, you have to give yourself a chance to “get in the game” first and polarizing topics are not helpful.

 

6) The worst question to ask on a first date is “why are you still single?”

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I’m not even single and I hate this question. It sets a bad tone and the answer will have little to no value in your decision to have a second date with the person (because the decision to see someone on a second date is highly based on physical attraction – see #2 above).

 

7) Most people overanalyze the first date

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I once spent 3 sessions (that’s 3 hours) talking to a client about his first date performance. I allowed him to go on and on to prove a point – that the discussion was pointless. While there is value assessing areas you can improve in, most post date discussion surrounds “I wonder” questions – “I wonder if he likes me” or “I wonder if she will call me now” etc. Do your best to stop the wondering and see the next bullet (#8 – it’s all about effort)!

 

8) Effort is the best indicator of interest

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

This applies throughout the dating, courting, and marriage. I guarantee this. If he/she pays you LITTLE attention, they’re not HIGHLY interested. If he/she is HIGHLY attentive they’re HIGHLY interested. Hard pill to swallow, but true 100% of the time.

 

9) You teach people how to treat you by the second date

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Everything you do and communicate to your partner tells them how you want to be treated on the second date (and moving forward). Don’t hold to your boundaries, they’ll always be crossed. Don’t hold to your standards, they’ll never be met.

 

10) Identifying (and holding to) your values is an often overlooked step

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One of the most popular posts in my ‘30 Steps To A Better You series‘ was on value discovery. If you haven’t yet established what your values are (if you’re in a committed relationship or not, please do so – this one exercise can change your life).

 

11) Men (who are ready) seek commitment fast and first

touching-arm-couple

This is a shocker to many women but it’s the truth. Like clock work, I see men who believe they have found “the one,” attempt to shut down the world in order to focus (and get the full focus) of the woman. The guys don’t want “their woman” seeing anyone else. They want to have the exclusive talk and create clarity of their positioning. This is very important to know and also ties directly with #8 above.

 

12) Going exclusive with someone too early is typically disastrous

SSJ+Soon+to+Be+Mugs

The average dating couple in the U.S. becomes exclusive between date No. 3 and No. 5. I’m sorry but that’s just too early. You need to see your partner’s values play out in action. You need to see how your partner can handle adversity. You need to observe your partners consistency of effort. All of these things require time. Making an early relationship commitment is a high risk gamble I’ve seen too many good people get burned on.

 

13) Long distance relationships can work, but seldom do

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I’m referring to the relationships that begin as long distance.  I say this so often I should just tattoo it on my face: [inlinetweet prefix=”” tweeter=”” suffix=””]The only way a long distance relationship can work is if there is a plan to end the distance. [/inlinetweet]

 

14) Self-love isn’t just a cliche, it’s the first question you should ask yourself

first-and-last-love

I view self-love as the admission requirement to dating. If you don’t love yourself (meaning actively caring for your mind, body, and spirit) you can’t afford to enter the arena of romance with someone else. Get yourself right, first.

 

15) Most of us have a disconnect between who we believe we are and who the public believes we are

mind-the-gap

I’ve been doing a lot of studying on personal branding and I’m in love with the subject because ultimately we all have one – it’s basically our reputation. The issue is that unless you’ve done the proper analysis (this is something we do in my agency’s coaching service) you may be projecting an image entirely different from your true self (and therefore, facing additional difficulty when dating).

 

16) Your belief in the availability of “good” men/women is exactly your reality

affirmation stones

I find it fascinating when a female client will call me up and say “Paul, New York City is the WORST city in the world for dating, I don’t believe there are any “good” men, and I can’t find any.” Then, I’ll hear this “Paul, New York City is one the greatest in the world for dating, I believe there are good men, I date them all the time (but haven’t found the right one for me).”  Bottom line is that your belief is your reality.

 

17) Your friends are not relationship experts

5-Soulful-Ways-To-Support-Your-Best-Friends-275x275

Please read this.

 

18) There is no “secret formula” to matchmaking

The-Math-Behind-Dating-Sites

I know online dating sites are spending millions to develop (and market to you) that they have some secret sauce, but nearly 6 years in the matchmaking industry (on the ground, working with people directly) has taught me that there simply isn’t a certain algorithm or formula that will find your perfect person (if their was, the inventor would be the richest person on the planet – seriously). So what can you control? Look for someone who matches your values, who compliments your personality, meets your non-starters, and that you’re attracted to physically. Those four steps together are the most important matchmaking formula you can use!

 

19) If your dating goal is “outcome based” you’re not going to be happy

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There are two categories of goal setting: Outcome based or process based. Outcome based goals suggest it doesn’t matter how much you try if you don’t actually achieve the desired outcome. Process based is another view that says you should focus more on the process (and what you can learn). You can probably guess my opinion on the better to choose. Process based is the way to go in dating!  A process based goal is what helps you develop habits and different habits are what change your life.

 

20) My agency is considered one of the best matchmaking firms in the world!

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Okay, shameless plug time. According to one of the largest (and oldest) dating industry conferences, The Paul Carrick Brunson Agency is one of the BEST in the world! We recently won both Best Matchmaking Agency and Best Dating Coaches. This would not be possible without my amazing team – we look forward to continuing to serve, learn, and share.

 

For Discussion: What is your top lesson learned about dating? 

 

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About Paul C. Brunson
Mentor, Entrepreneur, & Television Host. My goal is to help you live your best life. I’m the world’s most influential matchmaker, founded and exited three businesses, host two television shows, spent nearly a decade working directly for a billionaire, and share my experiences by mentoring through Knowledge Share

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Tane Young
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Tane Young

Amen …altho I’m starting to think there is something wrong with me…four years of being single ….ugggg !

Chauntele Holley
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Chauntele Holley

profession matchmaker? I need some hookin up Paul Carrick Brunson! lol

Timothy York
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Timothy York

I’m wondering why every man who approaches me is married and has no problem letting me know that they’re married while asking me out

Lynda Horton
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Lynda Horton

true

Shan Strand
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Shan Strand

AMEN!!!!

Debra Lynn Williamson
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Debra Lynn Williamson

Single since 2005….still haven’t found the one. I’m still patient though, no more bad relationships for me. (married once and engaged before that)

Bianca BLovely Rhodes
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Bianca BLovely Rhodes

Ikr!!! I am getting better at loving me first.

Mayra Vera
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Mayra Vera

Very true!hapy new years!

Julie Rivas
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Julie Rivas

★★★★♥

Leticia Mari
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Leticia Mari

Thanks for posting this because single women (like me) get asked this question alllllllll the time.

Lakesha Moore
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Lakesha Moore

Amen!!!

RuDee Sade
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RuDee Sade

get it, get it.

Sherise Cypress
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Sherise Cypress

I hate that question as well, great blog…

Eugenia Queenofhearts
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Eugenia Queenofhearts

Love it!!!!…#fedup.com is why I am single….

Nicol Wesala
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Nicol Wesala

I could use help too lol

Jackie Lampkins
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Jackie Lampkins

So glad u posted this. In todays time soo many ppl on games and just want ‘friends’ so to speak. If u are a women of intelligence, brains, & morals your going to B single for a while until GOD sends yr husband unless u like jumping in and out of pointless relationships, or unhealthy ones. I’ve been single 2 yrs. And I’ve come to realize..IM just gonna hv to wait, B patient, keep progressing, and stay busy!!! Simple as that lol.

Tania King
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Tania King

I need this in a bumper sticker

Angel Tatmon
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Angel Tatmon

Thank you!!

RuDee Sade
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RuDee Sade

#8 and #11 hurt my feelings so, so badly.
(hashtag: truth hurts)

Lady J
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Lady J

My top lesson learned is when a person tells you what they want believe them and do not try to analyze things to mean what you want or think. Women have a tendency to do that instead of accepting things at face value.

Paul Carrick Brunson
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Paul Carrick Brunson

Love that tip Lady J!

Patty Melendez
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Patty Melendez

Finally, Some people think that by being single is the worst thing on earth!! I love it and is use to it. Yes, its nice to have some one but I rather be alone then with wrong company.

Stephanie E Smith
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Stephanie E Smith

There is nothing wrong with me…. I’m just waiting for the right man

Stephanie E Smith
Guest
Stephanie E Smith

There is nothing wrong with me…. I’m just waiting for the right man

Jessica Jean
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Jessica Jean

…living proof right here!

Lori Bickerstaff
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Lori Bickerstaff

I’m single because I choose to b I like single life men think they own u they like being your boss the ones I knew anyway.single life hell yea love it.love it love it

Michael Armstrong
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Michael Armstrong

?????

Lynda Aristide
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Lynda Aristide

Tell that to the multitude parents and grandparents who constantly ask.

Louis Denault
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Louis Denault

Amen!!!!

Lori Ann Evangelisto
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Lori Ann Evangelisto

I know this to be true! I do not want to settle, so I would rather remain single until I do truly know for sure.

Loraine Avila
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Loraine Avila

I loved this post! But on #18, what is meant by “meets your non-starters?”
Now I really don’t feel bad for having attraction as one of my top qualities in a mate! Too many unattractive men have high standards & have the audacity to not have true qualities women need. If I’m going to tolerate you, at least be easy on the eyes, LOL. And even then, I don’t tolerate nonsense…that’s why I’m still single.

Tania King
Guest
Tania King

#1 title was surprising to me “everyone should be in therapy” then I read the explanation. thats a crazy realization no pun intended

Tania King
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Tania King

Will you ever have satellite Matchmaker offices in the US? Specifically NY/NJ area.

Alicia Greene
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Alicia Greene

My friends aren’t relationship experts after all? Aww man.

MaryLyn Hurtado
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MaryLyn Hurtado

Exactly! I was just sharing with someone today that im gonna treat myself for my bday and they made it seem like I should be having “a boo” do that for me. Ok thats fine but im doing it for me, and theres nuthing wrong with that! Smh, im sure they mean well but im ok with Me and ill have sumthin to look forward to when “my Husband” enters into my life.

Beverly Robinson
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Beverly Robinson

AMEN! Thank you!

Sandra Owens
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Sandra Owens

So true

Kimberly Rooks
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Kimberly Rooks

I’m so sick of people asking me what’s wrong with me when I tell them I’m single!

Barbara Anderson Handy
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Barbara Anderson Handy

I heard that! This is 2014. Stupid to think, that all single people should be trying to get married, whether it be male or females. We, old folks like to have grandchildren, and that’s what drives us unfortunately. Pastor Handy spoke on this Sunday.

Felicia McDonald
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Felicia McDonald

That’s true. Waiting for the right one.

Lee Love
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Lee Love

I try to give everyone I date a fair chance and getting to know me/each other. the one thing I have a problem with is, they think im boring because I dont drink…once they find I rather drink cranberry juice they calls decrease. I’ve appllied all 20 of your tips/advice with no results…

Paul Carrick Brunson
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Paul Carrick Brunson

Thanks for commenting Lee. If you’re applying all of the tips, that means you’re getting results. They may not be the exact outcomes you want but if you’re learning and perfecting habits, that means you’re growing (and personal growth is the best outcome of any relationship).

Lady J
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Lady J

Lee I would say you’re getting the best results for you. You’re avoiding people who will be with you under false pretenses.

Sadeka Elliott
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Sadeka Elliott

YUP SAY IT LOUD….

Tsalagi Waya
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Tsalagi Waya

thank you for posting, tired of pointless relationships

Jerry Mapley
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Jerry Mapley

its cuz I’m ugly

Wynette Brown
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Wynette Brown

because i want to be!! waiting on jesus!!

Brian Christopher Brown
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Brian Christopher Brown

Now this I can agree…there is nothing wrong with me! I am glad that you came around Paul Carrick Brunson!

Lisa Davis
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Lisa Davis

Wow # 4…that is a tough one for me, but I see the benefits of this…oh boy.

Saran Baker
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Saran Baker

Nope. Nothing wrong with me.

Marie A. Brooks
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Marie A. Brooks

real truth

Bruce Cortner
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Bruce Cortner

That`s right for us guys too.

Felicia Davonne
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Felicia Davonne

Very..True…My fiance & I are forty. Neither of us settled.