5 Questions Alpha Women Should Ask If They Are Ready For A Relationship

5 Questions Alpha Women Should Ask If They Are Ready For A Relationship


Alpha women,
characterized by some as brilliant, confident, and ambitious, and others as potentially problematic to biologically-based gender roles (I hope you see the irony in that statement), have been the subject of conversations about dating, relationships, and marriage on and off for many years.  While there are different schools of thought on the dating challenges Alpha women face, the pursuit and development of any relationship worth having doesn’t start with trends and statistically based generalizations about a “type” of woman, or man for that matter.  The pursuit of meaningful and lasting relationships start with an individual woman’s relationship and understanding of herself.  Here are 5 questions every (Alpha) woman should ask herself if she is serious about finding a valuable and meaningful relationship.

  1. Do you love yourself?

And do you actively practice self-love? The knee-jerk response to these questions might be “Yes,” wrapped in an “obviously” tone.  But when you sit and think about it, figure out if your self-love truly comes from within, or if it is dressed up in the impressions and expectations other people have for you. As someone who once lived my life (note – I am still a work in progress) based on the approval and satisfaction of others, I have learned that loving yourself is a very active and conscious process that is nuanced, personal, and necessary.

  1.  Are you self-aware?

Being self-aware means objectively observing of your own thoughts and emotions. It can help you confirm or adjust actions you take in response to situations.  Increased self-awareness gives you more control over how you move in this world. Instead of acting solely based on feelings, and having to backtrack or undo something you did as based on those feelings, self-awareness can help you put space and time between your feelings and reactions. Being self-aware keeps you present and helps you live from a place of strength and cognitive fortitude.

  1.  Are you comfortable being vulnerable?

As someone who spent most of my adult life on the emotional defensive, I equated being vulnerable with being weak, “telling all my business,” or expressing my true emotions (e.g., saying I’m angry when I’m actually hurt) at the cost of losing some control. Dr. Brene Brown notes that vulnerability exposes us to uncertainty, emotional risk, and emotional exposure in an effort to develop trust, intimacy, and connection with others. These things could be pretty scary for women, and people in general, who are used to being buttoned up and in the driver’s seat. If you are not willing to be vulnerable – to work for true connection – you would be selling yourself and your potential relationship, short.

  1.  What do you value?

Your values are those guiding principles that influence the decisions and choices you make across different areas of your life. Do the choices you make in dating and relationships reflect what you say you value? Do you know what values you want in your future boo? Do the men you spend time with embody those values?

  1.  Have you tried something different?

Society has a funny way of telling individuals what we should want, who we should or shouldn’t date, how we should look, when we should get married, and the beat goes on. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself what you actually want? Have you stepped outside of what the world says you “need” or should desire? Are you willing to be flexible on some things? Do you confuse preferences with non-negotiables?  Are your expectations unrealistic, unreasonable, or maybe unfair? For example, I am 5’8”. There was a time when I “needed” a tall man. Because tall men are known to treat women better. Said no one ever. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having preferences. The challenges start, though, when preferences contribute to you overlooking a good man who has lots of what you say you value because he isn’t 6’3” chocolate, bald with a beard, and built like an NFL wide-receiver.

Whether you consider yourself an Alpha woman or not (I’m still undecided on the label), asking yourself these five questions are a good place to start when you are thinking about pursuing a relationship.

For more strategies Alpha women can use when dating, go here.

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About Tiffany F. Southerland
Tiffany F. Southerland is a lawyer by training and change agent at heart. She hosts How Does She Do It?, a podcast dedicated to sharing practical insight and honest perspective on careers, personal development, relationships, and the intersection of issues that matter to 20 and 30-somethings. In addition, Tiffany writes, speaks, and coaches on topics including resilience, relationships, professional development, career transitions, and balancing personal values and career goals.
37 comments
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zanat
zanat

Tiffany F. Sutherland is a lawyer by training and change agent at heart. She hosts How Does.................



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Staying-Faithful Dee Joseph
Staying-Faithful Dee Joseph

I so agree with you.... i desire an alpha male...definitely got compromises to make. Communication and balance is key

Priscilla Ortiz
Priscilla Ortiz

I usually keep it to playing trivia (to access the smarts) & asking: what that mouf do?! lol

Latoya Jackson
Latoya Jackson

Really, what woman WANTS to be an "alpha" or in charge??? Many are simply because they have to be to make it in this world.

Cami1454
Cami1454

I'm definitely a alpha but I just started to love myself for who I am. I often in my dating life questioned myself and didn't understand myself. I also felt that I was wrong for the things I did and wanted. But I was just being me. No matter how young I was, I always made decisions the way I did bc I was an alpha and it didn't fit into the norm of what society thought I should be or my partners thought. But now it's ok with me and I'm single. Love me for me is all I need and even then, Do I want to be with you? That's up to me.

JNicolle Speaks
JNicolle Speaks

Every time I see something about alpha women you know i think of you Chanel Laurice

DeeDee Daniellelee
DeeDee Daniellelee

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La Donna Brown
La Donna Brown

Paul Carrick Brunson, I love that you reference Brené Brown. LOVE her and all of her talks on vulnerability. Great list!

Shade Butler
Shade Butler

Great list! As part of my blogging series and coaching program, I focus on the Alpha woman and two of the questions on this list - self-awareness and vulnerability. Hands down, those are two of the most prevalent issues that the Alpha woman deals with. I have my own hypotheses on why that is...namely, fear...so more to come on that! Nice one.

Kimberly Monique
Kimberly Monique

Gigi, here is the link to the type Z article. If you can't access it, it's on elitedaily.com. Just google "Dating type z" and it should come up.

Katia Colon
Katia Colon

You are on point again! I did become "alpha" by default with a beta male. Beta men are great for some women, for example woman who like being in control. For me though, I don't like to control. I want a partnership. I am still dealing with him. It can be a true headache. Lol, it's true, it still doesn't feel natural to me especially when dealing with a broken beta male. I love a man than can lead but balance is necessary because I like to be heard too. Lol

Jewelle Huggins
Jewelle Huggins

I think on average, a dating agency wouldn't take on as a client whom they can't match. I'm kind of confused as to why if someone goes to a professional, for professional services, *only that* group of clients "should ask themselves these questions"...when we kind of know who the real problem is here. Not trying to start a debate or accusations, but...men are shady. Let's just put it out there. lol

Trevi Brown-Thomas
Trevi Brown-Thomas

Katia Colon interesting thoughts, thanks for sharing! I am not sure I truly want or can exist with a beta male, though I agree there may be some benefits, I didn't find it natural to me. For me I believe that I became "alpha" by default but deep down I desire to be lead. It's hard to turn off though. At 35 it's a part of who I am so I agree self awareness while dealing with an alpha male will be a required adjustment for the two of us to coexist comfortably in a relationship.

Katia Colon
Katia Colon

Balance is certainly necessary between two alphas. He would have to be a conscious and aware alpha, depending on who is more comfortable on taking lead.

Katia Colon
Katia Colon

Wow Trevi, I completely agree. I consider myself an alpha female or a cross, if that's even possible, but I notice when dealing with an alpha I become a little submissive. Beta men drive me crazy. They seem boring to me, but the more I become self aware, the more I admire the consistency of a beta male.

Jacquelynn Orr
Jacquelynn Orr

I was wondering if you were still in that line of biz. Yay!

Nivia L. Di Vincenzo
Nivia L. Di Vincenzo

I'm an Alpha, although it took some self awareness to recognize this! And you are spot on in your explanation of the conflict in dating an Alpha Male versus a Beta Male. That has been my experience time and time again. Great read!!

Lara M Dyke
Lara M Dyke

Good questions especially #3 - which is hard for an alpha woman

Trevi Brown-Thomas
Trevi Brown-Thomas

Great read that spoke to me. I've recently began to consider myself this "type" of woman though, and while deep down I realize I desire an alpha male, we both can't exist as alpha. The thing is learning how to find balance... not necessarily "turning it off."

Leslie J. Griffin
Leslie J. Griffin

These are great questions for men and women in general to ask themselves. The first question, self-love, is very poignant. Many could not tell you what it is. Everyone should be able to succinctly answer these questions before considering dating or marrying anyone.

Hetal Naik
Hetal Naik

I will look for the article. Type Z has great characteristics!

GiGi Bradley
GiGi Bradley

Than you, Thank you, Thank you for sharing. Yes # 5. Not sure when my preferences became as important as my deal breakers. I think it's the superficiality of the industry I work in.

Hetal Naik
Hetal Naik

I read about a type Z male that is ideal for an alpha female...