10 Behaviors That Will Keep You Single Forever

If you are single, but would rather not be, I am sure you have given significant thought about why. I know what you’re thinking:

Why is it that I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet certain people around me seem to hop (sometimes effortlessly) from one relationship to another?

Well, one answer is it may not be your season. For many, it is as simple as that. However, for others, it’s actually the right time but they’re practicing the wrong behaviors and standing in their own way.

Here are 10 things I have personally witnessed my single clients and friends do that keep them single. Are you guilty too?

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1) You Hold On to Someone Who Isn’t Available

There are many reasons someone may not be available to date. Is he separated or married? Perhaps he is living with his girlfriend? If you hold on to such a person, fully knowing you are shared with someone else, you illustrate the lowest form of self-love and that won’t get you where you want to go. Holding on isn’t always a sign of strength.

 

2) You Don’t Believe Them When They Tell You the Truth

Many times, your “partner” will directly tell you their outlook on the relationship. They’ll say things like, “I’m not interested in anything serious” or “I don’t see myself being married.” If you hear anything similar, don’t think you’re the one person who can and will change his perspective. Trust me, you can’t; you won’t. Moreover, you’ll just end up wasting your time and resources. You only have power to change yourself.

 

3) Being a Toxic Date

Toxic dates are the ones who complain all the time. They are the ones who always blame you. They may always turn things around to make it someone else’s fault. They overreact to bad events. If all of this sounds familiar, “they” could be you. Toxic people are a huge energy drain. No matter how outwardly attractive or successful someone is, toxicity just ain’t sexy.

 

4) You Don’t Believe In Love

If you truly think you are destined to live life alone or you are of the thought that Michelle Obama married the “last good man on earth,” you’ll be right. Why? Because our belief is our reality.

 

5) You Do Nothing Differently

My favorite question to ask prospective clients is: “How many dates have you gone on in the last two years?” Most answer “zero.” (FYI – The average single in the U.S. has not been on one date in the last two years). Then my second question is always, “Are you happy with your number?” Most say no. My final question is always, “What are you doing differently to change it?” Most say “nothing.” The bottom line is that in every aspect of our life (dating included) we can’t do the same old thing and expect different results.

 

6) You Take Bad Advice from Friends and Family

I have written a full chapter on this in my book. Your friends are not relationship experts. Your loved ones often give bad advice. It’s well meaning, but awful, dating advice because they aren’t objective. Plus, they aren’t therapists or dating experts.

 

7) You Commit Too Soon

A top dating mistake that I see my clients make often is going from casually dating someone to exclusively dating that someone within a short period of time. This is a widespread issue. In 2012, the average U.S. couple became exclusive within just five dates. This is much too soon. Why, because it takes time to observe their values and it you also don’t know someone until you have witnessed them in a time of adversity.

 

8) You’re Lowering Your Standards to Compete

If you are concerned that because there are “so many women” vying for the man you are interested in you must “compete” and do things not within your value structure (like have sex earlier than planned), stop it. The moment you bend on your boundaries is the moment you begin to bully yourself.

 

9) Being List Obsessed

Do you chase after preferences? (You know, like he must be 6-foot tall and have perfect teeth?) We all have preferences and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is when we don’t secure our own needs first. These are what I call in my book, “your relationship vitals” (values, personality type, non-starters, and attraction traits) and become obsessed with them opposed to what’s on a list of frills.

 

10) You’re Adhering to Ultimatums

Love is not selfish. Love doesn’t come with strings attached. If you have to give in to get him or her, get out.

 

 

 

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About Paul C. Brunson
I'm a husband, father, mentor, and mentee. The host of a weekly syndicated TV show, founder of an award winning matchmaking agency, CEO & Co-Founder of a tech startup, and advisor to several companies. If you couldn't tell from all my jobs, I'm Jamaican. No really, I'm Jamaican :)
108 comments
AnHonestRealReason
AnHonestRealReason

Well for many of us Good men out there that are still Single today is that with many more women that now have their Careers today are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry which really speaks for itself.

Penguina
Penguina

There are people who do all the stuff on the list and still wind up being married...and miserable. Just saying

Monica Correa Diaz
Monica Correa Diaz

But that is all good advice for those who don't want to be single \U0001f60a

Monica Correa Diaz
Monica Correa Diaz

You know me. .I started reading thinking Good. .tell me what I need to do to stay single LOL!!!

Glenda Love
Glenda Love

I always admired how you focused on both sexes but this seems to be focused entirely on women and blaming us.

Caron J-Caronism
Caron J-Caronism

That's a crock of bull. Men have issues all their own and even the reasons you listed create problems of their own - like entitlement, laziness, complacency and contempt. Trust and believe, men have issues, too.

Benita Nolan
Benita Nolan

It's too much stress....men are like kids in a candy store these days and I refuse to compete with a bunch of women or fall for the "lets be friends" line of bull. All that means is he wants me AND all the other women he can get!!! I feel invisible too...men look right past me so....I don't waste my energy sitting and waiting for some guy to sweep me off my feet. I have my CAT! \U0001f606\U0001f606

Benita Nolan
Benita Nolan

Men don't have dating issues like women do. All they have to do is pick from the thousands that are single and ready to do whatever it takes to get one and keep one. Men have it extremely easy....if one woman gives him too much challenge or whatever he just dumps her for the next waiting woman.

Penguina
Penguina

I don't know about that. I've known of men who have an exceptionally difficult time finding a woman and not because they are players.

Benita Nolan
Benita Nolan

It's too much stress....men are like kids in a candy store these days and I refuse to compete with a bunch of women or fall for the "lets be friends" line of bull. All that means is he wants me AND all the other women he can get!!! I feel invisible too...men look right past me so....I don't waste my energy sitting and waiting for some guy to sweep me off my feet. I have my CAT! \U0001f606\U0001f606

AndrewRobyEvent
AndrewRobyEvent

Some of these things should be applied in other aspects of life as well i.e. taking bad advice from family and friends, lowering standards and not doing anything differently should be key things to learn from.

Peace Aislinn
Peace Aislinn

I'm happy to send ppl to you. We need strong relationships to build strong families

Peace Aislinn
Peace Aislinn

Mr Brunson, you are really great. All my life coaching clients I refer to you speak highly of you. I lost a few to ya too :) I dunno if you could get me dating well, I have Aspergers, but I think you're great

Raeha Kim
Raeha Kim

Thank you for sharing this, Paul! Is it possible to purchase a copy of your book signed by you?

Amy Galando
Amy Galando

We appreciate all your encouragement and help Paul! Needed to read this :)!

Jasmine Ransom
Jasmine Ransom

I'm starting to believe that some people are just meant to be alone as well...

Yvonne O'Hare
Yvonne O'Hare

I enjoyed this article. thanks. I have been wondering lately where you have been. you have spoken about millionaires and so on for so long, nothing from your true self until now. nice to see Paul Carrick Brunson back. this kind of talk helps me. been single for four years, but stayed married to prevent the boys moving home. your speech and advise has helped. thank you

Kelly Beard
Kelly Beard

Great stuff. And btw what an amazing time we had with you at the SOAR retreat. Thank you.

Linda Murphy
Linda Murphy

I loved this! My standards may be too high though, but hey I am never settling again, I did that with my last two ex husbands.

Caron J-Caronism
Caron J-Caronism

Interesting this piece is only addressed to women. You need a 10 for men!!!

Michelle Holtslander
Michelle Holtslander

#2 here.....but something he says or does keeps me holding on for hope.....

Julie Davis
Julie Davis

It is good info Paul and I know I do a couple on the list. Ugh! Lol

Christina Marie Harris
Christina Marie Harris

I can be honest enough with myself to say I'm experiencing #1... i do love myself though. and i just got hit on by a guy asking me for a date when i was at a fast food drive thru but i turned him down...

Jei Taylor-Asberry
Jei Taylor-Asberry

I'm probably #4...or invisible. Can't figure out which. LOL! I know there are good guys out there, I just don't believe the "there's someone for everybody," thing. I truly wonder if I'm supposed to live life as a single woman. Because seriously, I feel invisible to people...like one of the ghost in the 6th Sense. LOL

Katia Colon
Katia Colon

Damn, I am guilty of 5, 6, 8 & 9. For number 8, what if he's a really good person but hes your complete opposites? It's hard though because as one get older it's easier to think of the what ifs. What if someone else doesn't come around at a desire time?

Reena Patton
Reena Patton

Oops. I stopped reading after 1 and 2. LOL. Too personal.

Judit Harsanyi
Judit Harsanyi

I have printed this list out, and will place it on my fridge ... as a reminder :)

Indigo
Indigo

I'm guilty of not believing them when they tell me the truth and I don't believe in love, at least for myself. 

Falisha Kinsey
Falisha Kinsey

Yes I don't believe in love. & I don't believe them when they tell me the truth...(they say they are interested in being with me....if i heard and I get a dime for that I would be a billionaire) so I know I changing slowly seening myself in love and believing them hard but open.....

Jeanne Townsend
Jeanne Townsend

Yes. I'm guilty of doing nothing different. I'm changing now

music4menu2
music4menu2

Sometimes you need to move elsewhere.. I know I do, but the where is eluding me, I know I don't want to end up in an area like where I am now, and as a late Cajun chef would say, that's guaranteed..

Parthenia Warford
Parthenia Warford

Thank God none of them apply to me lol Paul Carrick Brunson but I have great news to report to you since our call. Who would of thought it lol

TSR
TSR

Just broke up with a guy after 8 years because he didn't want to get married. I was 23 when we got together. So now I'm 31 single, African-american, graduating from law school in May, down to earth, attractive (from what I've been told), no kids, and feel like a statistic. The successful single black woman statistic that will die alone with cats. Any suggestions on dating for someone like me? Now when I date I get the what's wrong with you question.

DianeParsons
DianeParsons

After that many years together I can see why you wanted to marry him, I'm am so sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted. Hold your head high. You will find the right one just be yourself and keep believing in you.

music4menu2
music4menu2

@TSR  Sorry to hear that.. Thirty one is still young, and that's rude for people to ask that. Maybe after you graduate from law school, you need to research areas with thriving singles communities, preferably with activities you are interested in as well. I know its time to move on myself, hope you find the right area and the right sweetheart too.

Ashley Brooks
Ashley Brooks

Amen! I hate when people use the word "thirsty" in the wrong context.