The One Trait a Relationship Must Have to Start is Attraction

The One Trait a Relationship Must Have to Start is Attraction

The following guest post is from my friend Jay Hurt. Be sure to follow him on twitter and visit his website.

at·trac·tion /əˈtrakSHən/ noun
1. A person or thing that draws, allures or entices.
2. A characteristic or quality that provides pleasure.

These are definitions of attraction.

Some people call attraction, “swagger.” You may hear someone say, “He has a magnetic personality.” That’s another way of describing attraction.

Lots of things play a part in today’s relationships. Chemistry is important. Purpose, destiny, vision, growth, even compatibility are highly relevant to a relationship in today’s society. They are necessary components of having a successful relationship.

My favorite three components of a relationship are Love, Honor and Respect. They are the foundation and backbone of any healthy relationship. The reality is that relationships can exist without one or more of any of the preceding traits. An unhealthy relationship can exist with a lack of respect, for example. Even without respect, there remains some level of attraction. The one trait that a relationship must have to start is an attraction. There has to be something to make him or her want to get to know you better. For that matter, there should be something to make them want to talk to you in the first place.

Whatever that thing is…it’s attraction.

Attraction is not always physical. The really great thing about attraction is whether it’s physical or not, it’s often irresistible. Physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Attraction is more than that.

Attraction can be in the way someone takes charge. Attraction can be in the way someone laughs at your jokes. Attraction can exist in the way someone sits attentively and listens. We’re all probably a little more self-centered than we should be…who wouldn’t want someone who listens?

Attraction Does Not Equal Type-casting

Singles frequently discuss having a “type.” Guys might say something like, “I want a woman about 5’5”, shaped like a Coca-Cola bottle, cute dimples and a nice smile. Oh…and she has to have good feet!” (Whatever that means…lol!) That’s not attraction. That’s a fantasy floating around in his mind of what woman he would choose if he could build her and give her every perfect attribute he could come up with. Including good feet.

A man can be attracted to some of those traits, but having a type is more a discussion of demographics and physical features. Race and more importantly, culture sometimes plays a part in what we consider a “type” we tend to gravitate towards as a mate. Whether that’s important in your situation or not, we should realize type and attraction are different things. You can date, fall in love and marry someone who is not necessarily your “type,” but you won’t do any of those things if you are not attracted to them. In our country and society today, attraction is typically a non-negotiable requirement of any relationship.

The Great Equalizer

I consider attraction the great equalizer because it eliminates any physical detriment one may have. Keep in mind, some women or men just aren’t going to date someone without a perfect body or what is in their mind the perfect face or perfect “look.” That’s fine, it’s their prerogative. You will sometimes see people who make this choice often have a tough time in dating because they are simply going on superficial qualities and not on what really attracts us to other people.

Here are some facts to consider: Women love to laugh. Men like to feel taken care of. Men like to have a woman who is more than a lover; we want a friend, as well. Women like to feel appreciated. It’s not that any of these things can’t be appreciated by the other gender (they can and they are). It’s simply a fact these are some of the traits of attraction in relationships. They are more important than physical traits in most cases and with most people. There are many traits of attraction, but I wanted to mention a few examples to understand what attraction looks like.

No matter what environment you’re in, as long as you’re at least clean and well groomed (important to get to the attraction stage); you can be yourself and have someone find an attractive trait about you. You won’t be attractive to everyone, but you will be attractive to someone!

Dressing well and grooming is imperative, but it’s really more of a ticket to entry than the attraction itself.

It doesn’t matter how sexy your dress is or how handsome you look on a particular evening, if you can’t engage someone in a way that is attractive, you aren’t getting anywhere.

The Essence of Attraction

Being attractive is not about putting on airs. It’s all about being the best you that you can be. Being confident (yet humble), spirited (yet thoughtful) and captivating (but not overbearing).

Think of your life as a PowerPoint presentation. What would you talk about? How would you sound as you discuss different parts of your life? What would your body language present? All of that is how you come off when you meet someone for the first time and they subconsciously decide if they are attracted to you or not. You are presenting yourself to the world (without the slides) and they are deciding if they are interested in your presentation.

Notice, I said presentation…not necessarily what you said, but how you presented yourself. If you are being yourself while following the points at the start of the last paragraph, you will be an attractive person. You won’t be attractive to everyone, but to more than you might think.

You can watch the seed of that initial attraction grow into what every single person wants…a conversation with another single (and available) person!

 

FOR DISCUSSION: Do you agree with Jay’s thought that “the one trait a relationship must have to start is attraction?”

 

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About Paul C. Brunson
Mentor, Entrepreneur, & Television Host. My goal is to help you live your best life; in love and professionally. I’m the world’s most influential matchmaker, founded and exited three businesses, host two television shows, spent nearly a decade working directly for a billionaire, and share my experiences by mentoring through Knowledge Share
221 comments
moonracer0120
moonracer0120

I'd like to point out that some women like to be taken care of too, like myself. When a man is very funny and makes me laugh I just think of him as a friend who I can go out and have a fun time with, but a fun guy is not necessarily someone who you can build a life with. Personally, I don't fall in love with men who are funny, I fall for someone who can baby me and pamper me. Women LOVE to be taken care of because we have to take care of everyone else (kids, aging parents, etc.). So, we adore a man who can take care of us since no one else will. To me a man like that is a rock that I can depend on.

TishLewis
TishLewis

Totally agree. It begins with some type of attraction.

Tamekia Singleton
Tamekia Singleton

I absolutely LOVE this article. I've said similar things. Thanks for writing this.

Delta Smith
Delta Smith

This is sooooo true. In order to connect with someone on an intimate level (not just referring to sex) you MUST have an attraction to them. Having this will heighten the desire to be "closer" to the other party.

Wendy Arnell Brophy
Wendy Arnell Brophy

In the long run it's not all about sex, there is more to life than in 'n out!

Magda San
Magda San

What about the feelings? Where you get butterflies and your heart races like the fast beating of a drum. Doesn't that come first. Or is that what it means to feel attraction. Being in love.

Pat Lissade
Pat Lissade

Women see with their eyes too, a great misconception to think otherwise.

Stephania Bastien
Stephania Bastien

Personally I have to be attracted to my mate cause at the end of the day this is someone I'm gonna wake up to every day

Mary E Williams
Mary E Williams

I agree...I can attest...I was not attracted to him...the relationship was a complete roller coaster ride that ended in DIVORCE... Learned my lesson..been single every since...

Rochele Lawson
Rochele Lawson

Yeah I know it is common but so is divorce. Remember I said I've been married for 30 years and I got married when I was 18. If I had to force myself to be intimate with someone trust me that would be have gotten old quick and I'd probably be divorced. Besides being attracted to my mate or whoever they definitely had to treat me right and we'd have to have things in commin and compliment each other. Most of that doesn't happen now a days thus the reason why the divorce rste is so high.

Bianca Zendrero Echeveste
Bianca Zendrero Echeveste

Rochele, I have a friend who recently got married to someone she says is the nicest man, but is very unattractive. She has admitted to barely tolerating his affections but likes who he is on the inside and forces herself to be intimate with him, it's not as uncommon as we would like to think it is.

AKAbby
AKAbby

I am still single and close to 40. I very much want to be in a relationship. I've tried online dating without much success and it's hard to meet new people in the pretty isolated town where I"ve live and have grown up (and yes, getting out of here is here is a strong possibility). Sooo, there are a few (some older), single men that are available, that I know of, one of which I've gone out on several dates with. I enjoy his company, we had good conversations, he paid every time we went out, he makes me laugh...he walked me home on a few occasions...I could go on. Everything was positive, in other words. It hasn't continued, though, because when I felt like a kiss on the lips...hence physical connectiveness was next, I fled. It wasn't there for me. I battle with this in my mind all the time. Any suggestions?

Blessed Shannon
Blessed Shannon

I often wondered if this was true for lots of people. I dated 3 men that treated me like a queen; but I was never attracted to them & all of my relationships failed... this post!

Gloria Tate
Gloria Tate

Anyone trying to talk you out of initial or first attraction is in denial, or never felt the fire!!! :)

Sandi Sleever
Sandi Sleever

Sometimes trusting someone and feeling comfortable/safe around them makes you attracted to them. Physical Attraction is important but it's not a guarantee for long lasting love or even phys. attraction for that matter. They guys I was most attracted (physically or personality) to in the past quickly became ugly to me based on their actions overtime. At times I get nervous when I meet someone who I'm highly attracted to and the feeling is reciprocated cause it never ends up happy as time goes on.

Paula Jackson
Paula Jackson

I don't agree because I was not psychically attracted to or even noticed my husband for that matter.. We were friends, and the kindness of his heart won mines! His beauty over poured from the inside out! And I tell you after 10 years of marriage he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen..

Marjorie Banks
Marjorie Banks

If a relationship is based on something physical, what happens when that changes? Duh, get a clue, ask GOD first.

Luis Eduardo Vilorio
Luis Eduardo Vilorio

Would a house be built if there was no attraction between the molecules of rock and cement? I think not. And this applies on all levels of life. That is why we were created with the capacity to feel attraction. Nothing is created without a purpose, for God is perfect.

Yvonne Davis
Yvonne Davis

A man doesn't have to be handsome but I do expect to find joy in looking at his face. I can't imagine waking up to him everyday otherwise.

Rochele Lawson
Rochele Lawson

Why would anyine date someone they are not physically attracted to. That makes no sense to me. If im not physically attracted to you then there is no connection at all. Fyi: ive been married for 30 years to someone that I was physically attracted to.

Taïna Etienne
Taïna Etienne

I absolutely agree with this article. Michelle Sprott Kéla Walker

Yuvanca P. Smith
Yuvanca P. Smith

whats your stand on a couple whom are attractive but for some reason become un attractive to each other over the years???? Marrige isn't about that all the time.

Donnovan Clarke
Donnovan Clarke

People don't confuse growing to love someone and attraction! that's called tolerance. I can guarantee that if you have someone taking care of you financially, you can grow to love that person but for the wrong reason.

Michelle Sprott
Michelle Sprott

Taïna Etienne Kéla Walker interesting def seen the opposite

Valerie Berry Foster
Valerie Berry Foster

I see there are still some people who still do not get the meaning of attraction from this article and I get it because all these years I thought attraction was just physical. I love this post will share.

Lauran Orjust LoLo
Lauran Orjust LoLo

Finally some confirmation that I'm not shallow ;-) I have tried over and over to date someone because they are "great guys", but I am just not attracted and it never goes anywhere, and I can't fake it. They eventually pick up on it. I am also talking the entire package, it's not only physical. I've met men that I am intially very physically attracted to, but they kill it with other traits. What is attractive to me may not be attractive to others. Great article!

AKAbby
AKAbby

@Lauran Orjust LoLo


This is totally where I'm at! I've had the same experience; everything about the guy is positive, EXCEPT that I don't find him physically attractive and I can't bring myself to fake it, despite the positive things I like about him...especially the idea of just having a companion! I'm not looking for a hunk or a man of my physical dreams, but someone who is closer to my age and there is a spark of physical attraction to.

Patricia Mckinney
Patricia Mckinney

This can't be the foundation of a solid relationship. It is what draws u initially but can't keep u together.

William A. Bridges Jr.
William A. Bridges Jr.

Physical attraction doesn't mean you have to have beauty to be attracted but "something" that catches the EYE, the third eye. Is not the Lion physically attracted to you as he leaps for his dinner? Let not the deception of sight deter the will of the heart. Remember creation Loves all created. Be all Love all.

Paula Funderburk Scholzen
Paula Funderburk Scholzen

You start with physical attraction. Once you get to know the person Sometimes their personality will make you change your mind real quick!

Diana Hawkins
Diana Hawkins

If PHYSICAL ATTRACTION is the main core of a relationship with another person ,it really won't last. If that person becomes ill or something happens to their physical appearance then the relationship is dead,because it was superficial from the beginning . The root a good relationship should be based on character,with such things as honesty,integrity, good communication, stuff like that. Physical attraction is your basic mindset then I suspect it's just a long term "BOOTY CALL" and "SHOW PIECE".

Treanna Giles
Treanna Giles

Physical attraction is #1 in my life...if I CANNOT see myself kissing U then U will automatically be put in the FRIENDS ONLY category FORVER. I DO NOT care how much we have in common or get along...if U do not turn me on or vice versa then we can be friends and nothing more.

Grateful Gail
Grateful Gail

Most people don't date a person they are not attracted to unless it is for improper motives. With that said pray and be careful out there. The person could be out to use you.

Leroy Gallman
Leroy Gallman

Different strokes for different folks . I agree..

Parris Foster
Parris Foster

Not necessarily true.... As a matter of fact... I couldnt stand my wife... nor her me at first... there were no sparks, fireworks, nothing... She thought I was an asshole... And I was.. And I thought she taljed to damn much.. And she did... But somewhere along the way... through seperate encounters.. We must of seen different characteristics or traits... And over time, and cohesive efforts if others.. We sat down & talked.. Still it wasn't fireworks... But we learned some things about each other... And i guess, eventually we GREW into each other... And shared almost 20 years of growth together before we parted... As friends...