The “Secret” That Got My Wife & Me Through 12 Years Of Marriage

The “Secret” That Got My Wife & Me Through 12 Years Of Marriage

Tomorrow on July 21st, my wife and I will celebrate 12 years of marriage!!! (That’s us on our wedding day on the left.) It’s amazing for me to think about how long we’ve been together because it honestly feels like it was just yesterday when we jumped the broom.

Our 12-year journey has been the greatest teacher in my life. The lessons have come in moments of pain and pleasure. Through “ups,” such as the birth of our son Kingston nearly two years ago, to ebbing events, like the loss of family and friends.

As I reflect upon the journey, there are 11 lessons that most standout. I believe these lessons can be helpful if you’re recently entering a relationship or have been boo’d up for awhile.

 

1) Develop A Mantra

About seven years ago, when my wife and I were going through a tough time in our marriage, she said one statement that has become our marriage mantra “it’s got to be all or nothing.” The phrase instantly connected with our values and speaks to the shared vision we have for our relationship. Whenever I start to get out of line, she drops those seven words on me and I straighten up like a pole.

 

2) Your Friends Are Not Relationship Experts!

Don’t involve anyone in your relationship, unless they are an expert.

 

 3) Have A Long Distance Plan

At two times in our relationship, I had to live away from my wife. After just a few days away I realized, if we stayed apart, the relationship would fall apart. If you want a long distance relationship to last you must have a plan to end the distance.

 

4) A Fire Doesn’t Stay Lit Without Tending To The Coals

You have to put work in to keep your marriage hot. This means periodically doing novel things together. Boredom is like weeds to your relationship — if you don’t eliminate, they’ll kill it.

 

5) Be Assertive

Despite how well intentioned you and your partner are, if both of you are not assertive, someone is going to be bullied.

 

6) No Such Thing as Being Independent in Successful Relationship

The key to success (at anything) is interdependence, not independence.

 

7) It Gets Sweeter Over Time

It has become common thought that as a relationship matures, we become less happy with it. This is one of the most damaging marriage myths. According to research, namely by leading anthropologist Helen Fisher, couples that stay together exhibit stronger attachment and desire for attraction.

 

8) You’ll Never Complete Them But You Should Complement Them

Searching for completion from anyone but you is futile. You are responsible for your own happiness.

 

9) Healthy Sex Life Is Critical

Keep in mind “healthy” is subjective. This is why communication is key. The elements both partners deem important in sex (frequency, positions, etc.) must be discussed.

 

10) Be a Better Listener and You’ll Be a Better Lover

When I learned to stop talking so much and really listen to my wife, our relationship leaped to another level.

 

11) Fight Fair

Disagreements will happen. Here’s some of my favorite fighting fair advice from Dr. Phil: “The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You’ll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It’s not a competition, it’s a partnership.”

 

Comments Question: What is the most important relationship “secret” you have learned from your own experiences? 

 

 

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About Paul C. Brunson
Mentor, Entrepreneur, & Television Host. My goal is to help you live your best life. I’m the world’s most influential matchmaker, founded and exited three businesses, host two television shows, spent nearly a decade working directly for a billionaire, and share my experiences by mentoring through Knowledge Share

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56 Comments on "The “Secret” That Got My Wife & Me Through 12 Years Of Marriage"

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lonelylove
Guest

I wish there were more men like you out there, I just feel like the ratio of grown, mature stable relationship ready men is so small in comparison to women like me who want something real…but at least you’re setting a good example, you give me hope :-/

grateful
Guest

^ this!!!!

quinne
Guest

but keeping it real, you are what you attract. At some point you have to self-evaluate and begin to wonder why all the men that you come across are “no good/terrible” And this isnt to pick on you but speak to everyone who is having trouble meeting that special person.

sushery
Guest

i always love your articles. i gain so much insight. i have been married 7 years and counting. keep the advice going. we are listening. i married my best friend and friendship helps also to get thru the rough spots. thanks again.

Emma Devine
Guest

I think mutual respect is critical. Respect for each other as human beings sets the stage for other elements such as honor, trust and – yes, even love.

Louvly
Guest

most important: NEVER compare yourselves to other couples.

appreciated this article though.

Brandi
Guest

That saying “I’m sorry” isn’t a sign of weakness, but maturity.

Ann Marie
Guest

Stand by your convictions and never be moved by your emotions. -Ann-Marie Moulton

Bree
Guest
“: “The question is, do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution or do you go into it with a spirit of getting even, vengeance, control? You’ll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition that means your spouse has to lose in order for you to win. It’s not a competition, it’s a partnership.” This right here is very compelling. I’ve said many times people Do Not get married for the Right Reasons to begin with. Not only that they don’t have the maturity level to be a really good… Read more »
david
Guest
Prior to her being a jump off she failed 3times with her anchor babies. You are about to have this same female host you event? I wonder why? is she giving you head or something? she gave head to all her other gigs. I know one for a fact. There are so many other talented well deserving and professional females that have Oparah status type of persona but if you choose this trick it is not going to rub females the wrong way. Every man she has worked with she has fucked notice why they never staY? do you want… Read more »
SheMeHer
Guest
The fact that you took the time to write a book about Taren Guy clear shows that this is personal. Did she mess with your man? like why are you doing the most. While all the things you stated may be very well true there is no need to air out this woman’s dirty laundry. You said it yourself we all have a past and its up to you to make your future better (something like that) point is Taren promotes positivity and love …. what are you doing? Your bitter and you need to pray and find peace with… Read more »
Abra Frickin Cadabra
Guest

I don’t know who this Taren person is, but You sure did devote a great chunk of your day to perform a full bodied character assassination. I suggest finding a hobby.

Andrea Butler
Guest
Dear David: I sense you are in a bad mood and had some serious bad relationships because you are giving Ms. Taren serious fever. I don’t understand why you have to call her these bad names over the internet and I’m sure you have ill feelings regarding her advice and actions, but you need to be mindful of the language you use some of what you are saying about her is un-called for and please get you some serious rest because the energy you put into your response message about Ms. Taren tell me you’re tired as hell. Please reframe… Read more »
monica
Guest

This person is not lying. Taren needs to be exposed. She doesn’t have custody of neither of her three kids…and doesn’t care. She only wants to be famous.

Carmelia Ray
Guest
After reading your views & tips on making a marriage work, it really feels like you hit the nail on the head!! As dating experts, we are not immune to relationship challenges. Underneath the fame and titles we are all “humans” who experience real life challenges. I could not agree with your wife more, about the “all or nothing” philosophy. What a fantastic “mission statement” for one’s marriage or any sort of relationship we can apply this motto to. One counselor I worked with in a personal time of crisis asked me a question about resolving conflict. “Do you want… Read more »
Camille
Guest

Bingo!

Nothing’s new to me in your list, but I thank you for putting them altogether in one spot because now I can print, bookmark, and refer to it later on… and share with others… as I am about to do …

Rynick
Guest
Yes I totally agree with your 11 lessons. You are such a good example for men.. i know not perfect but… what makes you come off that way is your sincerity and not being fearful of going deep inside,looking and being honest with yourself. Thats a precious gem you you own and not many men or women have that these days. In terms of relationsships… ( i am not a counselor or coach, just a lay person) but the advice i always give to friends and strangers when the subject comes up is… Every thought, feeling and action you have… Read more »
Yeedabee
Guest

After just having my 5th wedding Anniversary and 15 years of relationship ups and downs with my husband, I needed to read this…some points taken. But one thing that I have learned over the years is that “anything worth having is worth fighting for”. Therefore, just when I feel that I’m at the end of everything I thought I could do in my marriage…I reevaluate realizing that there’s a little more fight left in me. Thanks 🙂

Anonymous
Guest
Last year I broke up with my girlfriend due to many misunderstandings and I remember very well how hard I had been fighting to get her back. She changed her number, changed her job so that I don’t visit her office and none of her friends would give me any information about her. The only thing I could do was to go find help from anywhere, so i looked for a way to get her back then a friend recommended me to contact dr.marnish@yahoo.com that he will help me and as my friend said, dr.marnish helped me to bring back… Read more »
nsquared72
Guest

Piece of advice someone gave me, do not seek advice from single people if you’re in a marriage.

Andrea Butler
Guest
Greetings Nsquared72: I don’t agree with you when you say don’t get advice from single people when your in a marriage. That simply not true because single people have experience with good/ bad relationships as well as married people. Also I do believe that marriage people where single a some point in their life before they got marry. Another thing it depends on the maturity of the person giving the advice. I’m sure no one wants to get advice from someone who is immature and don’t relate to life experiences. I think what we all want is that the people… Read more »
Janine
Guest

Great advice and very true. After 21 years of marriage, I also have found that keeping “laughter” in the marriage is also crucial to a healthy and happy union. At least, that works for us.

Ella Rucker
Guest

I don’t know the solution to this, but I’ve found that if one argument keeps seeping into ALL of your arguments THAT is the one you need to solve. It is usually one argument that breaks a marriage or relationship apart. Everything else pretty much fuels that one fire (do NOT tend these coals … working with Paul’s analogy).

Dr. B
Guest

Love it! Soooo true! Congrats on your anniversary. I am married for 13 years to my bff. ( together for 19 years)… mantras are powerful! Dr. Rita Beckford

Gregory
Guest
Learning how to pick your battles has been a great lesson to me to learn. There will be many opportunities for conflict in your marriage. However, a sign of maturity and love toward your spouse is to not argue over everything that you perceive is a shortcoming. There are no perfect people in the world, so you remind yourself that you have married someone who is wonderfully flawed and you will receive acceptance in return for your flaws. Although, married couples will never see eye to eye on everything, I am convinced that the only fight worth having is the… Read more »
jojo
Guest

I have been through 25 years and 14 of it has been pure hell on earth. people change. My husband and I have grown in opposite direction. I am tired of trying i deserve something better than this,

Mrswatts
Guest

What exactly did your wife mean by “it’s going to be all or nothing”

Lchiha
Guest

Wow!

Kathleen Jackson
Guest

Well said!

Elexis P Wells
Guest

Im not married, but nothings wrong with learning… all points were very, very important, yet, I believe that the one point that is most missed is #8. Number 8 is powerful!!!

Lisa Estelle Garnati
Guest

Aww

Lisa Estelle Garnati
Guest

Beautiful

Bc Chronicles
Guest

So well-said Paul! Thank you for sharing. The world needs more of this. #marriage #awesome

Brunette Coleman
Guest

Is that you? Its good you got experience and not guesstamating

Amber Toostrongtofail Thomas
Guest
Amber Toostrongtofail Thomas

I am not married. Not even dating but I agree with what I read. Apparently you know what you are talking about and it has worked for you because you will be coming up on year 14 this summer. Congrats!

Renita Lake
Guest

RESPECT. I bet that’s the number one tip. Now let me read. :p

Wisdom Brownie
Guest

Such an Inspiration to others..U guys are a Beautiful Couple, Many Blessings to come!!

Michel'e Treasured Doll Winstead
Guest
Michel'e Treasured Doll Winstead

Absolutely!

Regina Huff
Guest

Wowww” That is Rice Nicee” i Love it… You Two Guy’s” Just Keep On Keeping On… And Just Stay Strong” (y) 🙂

Nageetah Israel
Guest

Good morning brother Paul. So sweet to share your energies. I AM a member of a group with brilliant youths. When I learn how to cut and paste off my phone. I will share your positive vibrations with them. They deserve it.

Jes Sica
Guest

Thanks for sharing 🙂

Raymond Johnson
Guest

Congrats on your marriage!! Been married 24 yrs in March but been with my wife 32yrs never Shacked up just dated But we had a understanding to let each other grow friends before lovers & She had to marry God First before she could marry me! But its been Wonderful because I learn something new Everyday about her Isnt God Amazing to give you a SoulMate

Marie Thornton
Guest

Qiana Bland

Linda Murphy
Guest

I don’t have to read it to know, and it is not a secret in my book. What God puts together no man can put asunder. You two know what love really means.

Sunshine Faiser
Guest

That doesn’t even look like you!!!

Tina Johnson
Guest

Great info

crmycoco43
Guest

@monica Who cares?

crmycoco43
Guest

@Anonymous What did you do?  Kidnap her and hide her in your closet?  A girl that hard to find doesn’t want to be found?  Please tell me you didn’t kill her and keep the body in your backyard!

AES24
Guest

crmycoco43 who cares that she lost custody of her kids??? Was that a real question?

ShirleySpeed
Guest
I am shirley speed by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage he left me and the kid and move out with another woman and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address ebolospelltemple@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my… Read more »
AdrieneJess
Guest
I was with my ex for 3 years n 6mthns n he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some… Read more »
joycebenson
Guest
I”m Joyce from United states, i want to use this opportunity to thank the Great [DR Ekpiku] for helping in getting my husband back to me, i have been in great pains until the day i contacted [DR Ekpiku] he coasted a love spell for me and told me to wait for just 12 hours that my husband will call me and i did according to the instructions given to me by him and surprisingly, in 12 hours, my husband really called me and started apologizing for all he had caused me. I am the happiest Woman on earth today… Read more »
How I Got My Husband Back Testimony,Powerful Love
Guest
How I Got My Husband Back Testimony,Powerful Love
Good news to share with everyone here about how i got my husband back when he Want a Divorce and left me for another woman. My Names is Natasha Hayes from London,UK. My husband and I have been married for about 7 yrs now. We were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. 3 months ago, I started to notice some strange behavior from him and a few weeks later I found out that my husband is seeing someone else. He started coming home late from work, he hardly care about me or the kids anymore, Sometimes… Read more »
SabrinaMorris1
Guest
I never believed in spell casting but After 4 years of dating my hobby, he left me because I lost my womb . I felt like my life has come to an end, I almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to the spell caster called Dr Malawi whom i met online after my friend Lucy told me about how he helped her. She testified about how Dr Malawi brought back her Ex in less than 2 days and reversed the effect of her lost womb, and at the end of her testimony she… Read more »
mayorvargas1
Guest
Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen This article is dedicated to the Doctor Osemu Okpamen. I have been married with my wife for 5 years and recently she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply when she told me to leave her alone and that she does not love me anymore when i was always faithful and honest to her. I tried all the ways to get her back buying her what she wants like i always did and she still left me heart broken and she even has a new boyfriend which destroyed me even… Read more »
tracygrilli59
Guest
Hello,I Read the article of a very great spell caster and it seems very helpful to me. I haven’t had the chance to have a proper relationship with my ex because we work together. This will be the final week or work and then I wont be around him constantly. Unfortunately, I broke one of the rules in the article and have been sleeping with him. Something I’m not proud of, especially since he has a girlfriend. Not to mention that she’s a girl he dated off and on for 3 years before he dated me.When I asked him why… Read more »
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